I received a mailshot from Volvo, presumably a throwback to a time when we were looking at cars. When I unsubscribed I saw the following message:
I don’t want to receive any email communication from Volvo anymore
This is so poor. Use of “don’t” feels inappropriate, the sentence is clunky, and the two entries of “any” really grate.
Far better would be the succinct and punchy:
I no longer wish to receive email communication from Volvo.
Then in the main body of the mail:
After travelling the world for 12 years, Cologne-born entrepreneur Gundula Cöllen returned to Germany to reconnect with her homeland. We met her to find out how the intuitive features of the XC90 help her make the most of everyday.
The first sentence is fine, the second is awful, clumsy, and use of “everyday” is incorrect (everyday low prices, low prices every day – see?). This paragraph would read much better as:
After travelling the world for 12 years, Cologne-born entrepreneur Gundula Cöllen returned to Germany to reconnect with her homeland. We met Gundula to discover how the XC90’s intuitive features help her make the most of every day.
And further down:
Want to add something extra to your car’s appearance? That’s where exterior styling comes into play. Our designers have reflected the elegant design language of the Volvo S90 and V90 to truly bring out the cars’ unique characteristics.
Again, the first sentence is fine, the second is at best nonsense. Our designers have reflected the elegant design language… Have they? Reflected in what? Where? Furthermore, look up the definition of “language” and appreciate why “design language” is a ridiculous phrase. Unless you’re actually discussing design terminology. Which isn’t the case here.
I could go on, but I’m sure you’ve got the point. Dear Volvo (or anyone else for that matter) consider employing a professional writer to produce this sort of thing. It’s important. You dig?
I’m a writer, editor, and Royal Literary Fund Fellow.
Find out more, tweet me, or email.
Martin Sketchley 